DISCLAIMER: As I write, I’m suffering from the flu. There’s an 80% percent chance I won’t remember this post.
The purpose of this blog is to shine light on the awesome and provide a mic for quiet greatness- and to just be silly – my greatest character trait. Since my last post two months ago, I’ve experienced a string of crappy crap, all while deploying a pretty intense job search. I’ve fought the self-bashing, why me-ing, and comparing; at 44 years old with adult children I’m better equipped for the battle.
But at 44 years old I realize I’m looking for a job at 44 years old. Yikes! The people who have known me longest will say “I knew she shouldn’t have joined that campaign.” To you, I say, you are not a friend. Knowing what I know now, I’d make the same decision. The silence and darkness has taught me some things:
- I’m not the same person I was a year ago.
- as a notorious people-pleaser, I realize how harmful I’ve been to myself.
- I will no longer apologize for my feelings, beliefs, decisions, and interests.
- I am a reformed avoider of conflict. (see people-pleaser)
This is not a woe-is-me party. It’s me taking responsibility for my losses, mistakes, decisions, and choices. The silence spoke to me solidly and clearly. The darkness provided a sheath of protection allowing me to feel without consequences. How could I have known that in darkness I’d see my true self? That silence would amplify my truth?
I’ve been on the battlefield, but I’m sure – no, I know- I will win. Volume and Light will resume with silliness because beauty and wonder never go on holiday.
To my friends: you have kept me going. Advice you’ve given over time, calls, texts, emails, connections made, lunches (a bazillion lunches), crafting lessons, well wishes, and more prominently, the prayers. Even in darkness I could see the blessings and the silence, in rare form, perfectly delivered the proper messages.
Until next time…